Thursday, June 12, 2008

An Open Letter to Phil Jackson

Dear Phil,

If your team is leading by over twenty points at the half, try this: drive to the hoop on every possession. Every one. Do not take a single fucking outside shot. Not one. Drive to the lane and draw fouls. Every possession. How often? Every possession. In case that isn't clear, here it is in simple terms:

If you take stupid fucking outside shots when you're up by 20, you will find yourself down by 5. Every time.

No NBA team should lose when up by 18 at the half. Period. Any team that has Sasha Vujacic attempting threes when up by 15 is a team run by someone who has forgotten the basic principle of NBA basketball: the referees reward a drive to the hoop. Every time.

I have been an embarrassed fan on many an occasion. For starters,

the 2005 ALCS
the 2005/2006 Northeastern men's ice hockey season
the 2006 Angels season
the 2007 ALDS
the 2007/2008 Northeastern men's ice hockey season
the 2007 Super Bowl.

That is not a comprehensive list by any means. But tonight, Phil, you made my life in this city miserable for the next 48 hours. Instead of going 2-2 in the series, where you could have gone 3-2 before even leaving the friendly confines of Staples, you threw away a game that I could have coached to a win.

I have never played basketball. I do not have 9 NBA titles. I don't even have shoes I could wear on a basketball court.

I would have won that game.

But the sad part, Phil, is that I called this ending the second the first half ended. The second I saw the third quarter looming, I remembered every Laker game this season, and your inability to get the team to wake the fuck up for the third quarter. I don't know what it is, but the team's strategy in the third seems to be something like this:
  1. Inbound the ball.
  2. Run as fast as possible to the other end.
  3. Take a bad three or turn the ball over.
  4. Allow a fast break three pointer.
  5. Repeat.
Figure it the fuck out. That was the most embarrassing basketball game I've ever watched. It may be the single most embarrassing game I've watched in any sport. At least the losses in the series/seasons above weren't for a title. This was.

Thanks to you, I also managed to reinjure my throwing arm while launching my jersey across the room. I'll be sending you a bill for the physical therapy.

Marcus Moche'

For those of you too stupid to figure this out, I am legitimately pissed off and will not tolerate any bullshit. Period. Talk trash only if you watched more than five Celtics games last year. And since I happen to know none of you did, do yourself a favor and sound like a gracious, intelligent fan by shutting up. I am always more emotionally invested in these teams than you are.

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