Are the Kings playing yet?

The truly aggravating thing about the Angels this season, particularly in the second half, is the way they lose. It's not the quantity of losses, but the quality, in which good starting pitching is consistently derailed by predictable bullpen implosions and noodle bats.

I remember watching the Rangers lose with some consistency over the last few years, and despite their ugly W-L records, the Rangers were fun to watch. They couldn't pitch, but they could hit, and would thus lose games 17-15. Yeah, I imagine it's frustrating to need 7+ runs to win every game, but at least offense is interesting. No-hitters, despite the fanfare that accompany them, are boring, and the shutout is a stern kick to the face of fans that are miraculously able to spend $40 on two hot dogs and a beer at the stadium. If the Angels are going to miss the playoffs, I'd prefer that they do so while scoring more than 1.5 runs a game, their average over an 8 game stretch ending with a victory last night over Oakland. Of course, they are moments from losing their 72nd game, having scored two runs in nine innings.

The team doesn't need an impact bat so much as a new lineup. Abreu, Matsui, Rivera, Aybar, Kendrick, and Mathis are all having decidedly subpar years, and with only Torii Hunter producing at a reasonable clip, there is no reason to keep the kids on the bench. Scioscia has been unusually patient with Bourjos, at least compared to his treatment of Wood, but there's really no reason both of them (and none of Rivera and Mathis) shouldn't be in the lineup every day.

Hockey, please.

1-4

During the first five games of the season, the Angels have scored 16 runs. Take away their only win, and they've managed just 10 runs in 4 games.

During that same stretch, they've allowed 35 runs. Yes, 35. 20 of those runs came in two games, each 10-run affairs, against two mediocre offenses in Minnesota and Oakland.

They have one sacrifice fly. They have five errors. They have one stolen base and have attempted to steal a base only twice.

What the hell team am I watching? The Pirates? The Orioles?

Advice to some Angels:

• Wood: Stop trying so hard to hit the ball and hit the ball. You're guessing. Stop guessing. Stop deciding to swing at the first pitch, not swing at the second, and swing at the third. I know what you're doing, and it's stupid.
• Abreu: Stop striking out. Start walking. You've done it your whole career, figure it out. You'd have an improved OBP this season if you never bothered to swing the bat at all.
• Scioscia: If Mathis plays another damn game while Napoli sits on the bench, I'm going to put you on a diet.
  

Gutless

When you can't beat a team that's 16.5 games behind you despite having a 7 run lead in the fifth inning, you don't deserve to earn a major league paycheck, much less make the playoffs.

When you're a team's "ace," and you give up 6 runs in 5 innings, you don't deserve the title of "ace." And you certainly don't deserve your upcoming free agency paycheck. Lackey, I've got some news for you: You haven't won shit since your rookie season. That was 7 years ago, buddy.

When you can't figure out that your #3/4 batter is in the death throes of his career, and keep batting him at 3 or 4 despite a complete lack of production over an entire season, you don't deserve to be a major league manager. Suicide squeeze a run out of that, Scioscia.

This team has no heart. No balls. No cojones. There is no chance that the Angels compete in the AL West after this season. And now, it's looking like there's no chance they get out of the first round. Again. And that's assuming they make the playoffs at all...despite a magic number of 4, it looks like it's going to come down to the Rangers losing 4 games rather than the Angels winning another game this season.

I'm done making excuses for this team. If they want my respect, they can earn it by giving a shit.

The week long wait for the NHL and college hockey seems an eternity.

Some notes to Angels

• Angels catchers: Take that ball and put it in your pocket. Do not attempt to throw it to second base. Do not attempt to throw it to third base. You may throw it back to the pitcher cautiously.
• Angels fielders: Somebody needs to cover first base. Every play.
• Angels: If Bill Hall beats you, you might want to consider new careers.
  
• Mike Scioscia: Here's something to try.
  

if (Kazmir() < 100_pitches){
pitch_next_inning();
else{
use_bullpen();
}

• Bobby Abreu: That weird thing on your hand is a glove. You're supposed to use it to catch balls, not swat them off the wall.
• Vlad Guerrero: Here's some code for you to try:

if (pitch == ball){
dont_swing();
}else if (pitch == first_pitch){
dont_swing();
}else swing();

• Honestly, this is the offense I expected from the Angels at the beginning of the season. Completely hapless, unable to work counts, and liable to swing at the first pitch with runners on. Goodness gracious, when the pitcher has just walked two batters, don't swing! Not until you've got at least a strike, and you might even want to wait for two.
  
• Kazmir looked fine.
  

It's time to stop screwing around

The Angels' pitching staff, collectively, needs to pull its head out of its ass.

Immediately.

Your lead in the division is down to 1.5 games if you lose tonight. You are already losing 2-0 in the second.

Stop fucking around.

Letter to Scioscia

Dear Mr. Scioscia,

I know you don't know me very well. My name is Brian Fuentes and I am in your bullpen. I am here to replace Francisco Rodriguez to the best of my ability. I put up stellar numbers in hitter-friendly Colorado for several years with some minor inconsistency, but nothing major. As I am left handed, I am particularly adept at turning major league left handed hitters into outs. I have given up just 10 home runs to lefties compared to 31 for righties, and have a strikeout to walk ratio which is an order of magnitude greater.

I'm not sure if you know this, but Jason Kubel of the Minnesota Twins is a lefty. He had already hit a single, a double, and a triple, and the rest of our bullpen, all right handed, seemed incapable of getting him out. I feel as though I could have made him ground out harmlessly to first, or perhaps pop up in the infield.

I, unlike Francisco Rodriguez, do not need to be babied. I just received a large contract from your owner, Arte Moreno, and I would like to be used in the highest leverage situations possible. I am not interested in gaudy save totals or sparkling pitching stats. All I want is to help this team win games and get to the World Series.

This division is very weak, but the Mariners are already holding a 3.5 game lead. Oakland is an improving team, and Texas is always a threat to make a run. Our farm system is pretty poor, at this point, so we really need to make the playoffs this year as it is probably our last serious year of contention for the forseeable future.

As such, please feel free to call me any time via the bullpen phone. I'd be happy to work for you.

Sincerely,
Brian Fuentes